Trigger Warning
i could have wished for wisdom beyond my years,
i could have been detached, amused,
elevated.
the passing over
of various sets of eyes
and my own brothers
in league.
the bars and cars
and everything in between.
i couldn’t pull it off,
i didn’t understand,
it was out of my reach then.
i could have wished for wisdom beyond my years,
made a sacrifice of myself,
for myself,
for my own benefit,
except i was too young
and stupid,
too angry,
too green.
and then i broke
and the others went away,
and they stayed away.
right there
went my entire life.
i could have had brothers and sisters
and partners in crime,
friendships passing down
enduring the years,
improving with age
like fine wine,
i could have had the life
that was foreseen.
little familial gatherings,
annual get-togethers,
reminiscences from a later vantage point.
a link back to myself,
the one that had really mattered,
way back in the beginning.
the wisdom escaped me,
it was beyond my reach,
there was nothing i could do.
and then it all slipped away.
they barely remember me now
and i barely remember them.
lives apart,
obscured
the single source.
faded phantasm,
limping along.
the years land here
instead.
payment
is due,
in full.